This interview with Kathryne Mejias is part of Street Meet, FLEETSTREET’s series, where we meet up with trailblazers and thought leaders to deliver unique insight and inspiration into issues we all care about.
It’s not you, it’s me. While it’s been awhile since I’ve dated, I know the pain (annoyance, frustration) in friends’ voices. So that’s why, when approached to interview Kathryne Mejias, author of Born For More: Live Your Best Life, Connect To Your Inner Goddess (self published, 2023), I had to ask the questions we all think when a connection doesn’t happen or when we thought they were “the one” only to get blindsided by the “can we talk” conversation.
But first, some stats to cheer you up. Canadians are optimistic about finding that “special someone,” and maybe even “the one.” A survey from Bumble (yeah, the dating app) found that 78% single Canadians plan to look to find a long-term partner in the next year. And two-thirds of single women in Canada saying they are “being more honest with themselves and no longer making compromises.”
What does honesty and focus have to do with those questions we ask yourselves? Turns out, a lot. Check it out.
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Why can’t I find someone?
This is a big question. The big question. And Mejias, who coaches women through breakups, separations and divorce, doesn’t shy away from answering this for us all.
But the reason we ask this is because “the search for a partner often feels challenging, and it can be disheartening when connections don’t materialize.” So, it’s not about asking why you can’t find someone, but why you’re asking that.
“If you find it difficult to attract the right person, it may indicate that there’s inner work to be done,” says Mejias, changing the question to why you might be holding back. “Assessing your beliefs about yourself and your worth can reveal what may be holding you back. By understanding and shifting your mindset, you can create space for the kind of love you truly desire.”
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Is it me?
“It’s natural to wonder if the problem lies with you, but it’s not about self-blame,” says Mejias. To be honest, when I see my smart, successful, beautiful friends ask that question, I pull out my mental rolodex to list how they are smart, successful and beautiful.
Mejias suggests another thought pattern, though. “Instead, it’s about understanding that the relationships we attract are often mirrors of our self-perceptions. If you struggle with feelings of unworthiness or fear, these emotions can manifest in your relationships. Focusing on building a positive self-image and recognizing your value will help you attract partners who reflect that same worthiness.”
When was the last time you paid yourself a compliment? Why do those in your other relationships (family, friends, work, etc.) appreciate you? These answers can be more helpful than blaming yourself for singledom.
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Where are all the good men/women?
Good news and not-so-good news. “Good partners are out there, but sometimes they may not appear in the ways we expect,” says Mejias.
So, how do you find the good ones? Stop thinking about where they’re not and think about your dating patterns.
“Rather than fixating on their absence, consider whether your beliefs and energy are aligned with what you seek,” says Mejias. “If you don’t change the underlying beliefs within yourself, you may find yourself repeating the same relationship patterns. It’s essential to shift your mindset and remain open to unexpected connections. You might be surprised by where love ‘shows up’ when you elevate your energy and focus on personal growth.”
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Am I meant to be alone?
This sounds fatalistic, because, well, it is. But loneliness isn’t a prediction of anything, let alone the future.
“While it can feel lonely at times, being single doesn’t mean you’re destined for solitude,” says Mejias, adding that this is an opportune time for self-care. “This period can be a powerful opportunity for self-discovery and healing. Embracing this time to reflect on your beliefs and experiences is essential. … Remember, this phase can lead you toward a fulfilling relationship in the future.”
Nailed it—Kristen Gale on leveling up.
Why do we doubt ourselves when things don’t work out or even spark?
Mejias says common questions she gets from her clients include:
- Why do I keep attracting unhealthy relationships?
- How can I break free from these patterns?
- What steps can I take to feel more empowered in dating?
- Do I deserve love?
- Am I doing something wrong?
They almost always encompass self-worth. “These stem from a desire to understand how internal beliefs influence their relationship experiences,” she adds. She encourages different questions.
- What can I learn from my past relationships?
- How can I better align with my true self?
She says to shifting the focus from external (out of your control) circumstances to yourself and your growth. That will empower you to attract someone who can resonate with who you are and to attract healthier relationships with others – and not just with a partner.