We are thrilled to offer this excerpt about managing stress from the book Get Off Your Cushion: Weaving Meditation Into the Fabric of Life, by Li-Anne Tang, PhD.
Learning to relax and manage stress
All Pat wanted to do was learn to relax. They simply didn’t know how to. When they signed up for a 12-week program and saw the title of the first week, Relax and Be Aware, they were triggered into a panic. The reason they signed up for this course was because they was far too aware of his stress and anxiety, but unable to relax.
The title of this impossible-to-implement statement seemed to taunt them.
“Relax and be aware? How?” they beseeched desperately. The title didn’t budge. They clicked on the first video.
They watched through the 15-minute introductory video. It all made sense and seemed easy enough. There was a simple three-step process that they needed to follow several times each day over the following week:
- Notice the level of stress and assign it a number,
- Take it down a notch, and
- Smile and congratulate himself.
The rationale was that the first step made them aware of stress levels, the second reminded them to consciously reduce it, and the third step created a positive reinforcement loop in his brain to make it more likely that they would remember to be aware again in the future, to increase the likelihood of this cycle repeating at a later stage. They tried it, as was instructed.
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What is the level of my stress right now? What number would you give it?
It’s at 7. Can I take it down a notch? Yes. Just listening to the calm voice on the video is relaxing. Stress level 4 now. Smile and congratulate myself? Ok, I can smile. There, it feels good to have succeeded in this. I’ll take the congratulation the voice is giving me.
The truth was, being aware was not the issue. Pat was always acutely aware that they were anxious. In fact, being aware of anxiety was what often led to the feeling of being overwhelmed. They decided to pose this question to the instructor on the forum: “I am acutely aware that I am anxious, but not able to relax. Help?”
They wondered if they would get a satisfactory response.
The response was as follows: “It is very common that people initially feel they are acutely aware of their anxiety and stress, but don’t know what to do about this. They freeze like deer in the headlights.
“Actually, it is worse than that. They become more like kangaroos in the headlights. If you have not driven in outback Australia, you may not know that kangaroos don’t just freeze in response to the sight of headlights of oncoming cars, but as the car approaches, they tend to become so confused that they actually hop right in front of the car.
“What I am trying to show you is a simple process of not getting confused when you are aware of your stress and anxiety, such that you don’t inadvertently exacerbate the situation. Continuing to stare into the headlights of stress and anxiety will increase your confusion about what to do next. This is where giving it a number helps. What is the level of your stress and anxiety now? Recognizing the level of stress is the first of the three-step process.
“Time for the next step now: take this down a notch. The issue most people untrained in this process face is they continue to stare at the headlights. Don’t. It is time to take this number down a notch by looking in a different direction.
“Consciously relax your body a bit, take a deep breath in, and try to make the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Do this a couple of times.
“What is the level of your stress and anxiety now? If it has dropped to anything less than what it originally was, congratulations! You have succeeded in taking it down a notch. Smile and congratulate yourself for another success! Now rinse and repeat.”
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How to breathe to turn down stress and anxiety
Pat tried this throughout the week. Intermittently throughout the day, they identified the anxiety level, took a few deeper breaths in and out – making sure they extended the length of the out-breath – and then checked again to see if his anxiety had reduced.
The process worked at the start of the week, but later that week, it seemed to be no longer working and they started feeling increasingly more agitated. They decided to watch the next set of videos to see if they would shed light on this process.
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Three steps to calming stress and anxiety
Some other students in the pre-recorded videos seemed to encounter similar issues. The response was always a calm and confident repeat of the same three instructions, sometimes Emphasizing one of the three steps more than the others to highlight the aspect the student had somehow skipped over.
Q: Is it difficult to know the level of stress or anxiety you are experiencing?
A: No.
Q: Good. That is Step 1. Now, Step 2: can you take it down a notch by taking a couple of deeper breaths?
A: Yes, but I’m still anxious.
Q: Has the number gone down at all?
A: Yes, but it’s still high. I’m still anxious.
This was the gist of Pat’s experience as well. The response was the first game-changer in this process. It doesn’t matter if the level of your stress and anxiety moved from 8 to 0, or from 8 to 7 ¾. The fact that it has moved in the right direction is what you are aiming to do.
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How to go from stressed to relaxed
Your only aim is to incline your mind toward relaxation. You have succeeded whenever you are no longer facing the direction of more stress and anxiety, but instead inclining towards more ease and relaxation.
Once you are facing the right direction, every step you take will be towards your goal of more peace in your life.
Somehow, this made sense to Pat. The aim is to face the right direction. The instruction was simply to take the level of anxiety down a notch. And the suggested method was to direct his attention to a couple of longer breaths.
This set of surprisingly simple instructions seemed to work very well. But before long, Pat’s brain was no longer able to handle this level of simplicity. Surely there is more to life than this?
“Taking things down a notch” was fine initially, but they needed more to chew on. As the week progressed, they increasingly became more agitated at the process
“I can take it down a notch,” they thought, “but now what? It’s not as if I have managed to rid myself of the stresses of life.”
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Attention on stress vs awareness of stress, yeah there’s a difference
The next set of instructions seemed to read his mind. There was a discussion that emphasized a big distinction between attention and awareness. These two common words are often used interchangeably in meditation instructions. Pat was confused.
They had often heard the meditation instruction “put your attention or focus on your breath.” The video seemed to imply that this instruction was different from “be aware of your breath.” Why was there so much emphasis on differentiating attention from awareness?
These were the instructions:
- Whenever you focus your attention on something, it dominates your conscious experience. At the same time, though, you can be more generally aware of things in the background. For example, right now your attention is focused on listening to what I am saying.
- At the same time, though, you’re also aware of what I look like and perhaps how you may be feeling. You can be aware of, or know, lots of different things simultaneously, but your attention can only rest on one thing at a time. You can pay attention and have awareness simultaneously because these two faculties are associated with two different brain networks that process information in fundamentally different ways.
- Paying attention involves a bilateral dorsal network of structures in the brain. Narrow and sharply focused attention allows us to see discrete details. These structures of the brain are also involved in verbal, intentional, conceptual, and evaluative processes.
- Awareness, on the other hand, involves a right-lateralized ventral network of brain structures. These structures provide an open, panoramic awareness that automatically orientates to new stimuli, and can disengage and re-direct attention. These areas of the brain are only minimally verbal; rather, they are mainly sensorial and non-judgmental in nature. These are the “it just is” parts of the brain.
- The main thing these two systems have in common is that both contribute to our conscious experience.
- Let’s play with attention and awareness a bit now to see if you can differentiate the two processes.
- Look away from the screen now and choose to put your attention on something nearby. In other words, find something to look at, and look at it.
- See the shape, colour, and finer details of whatever you are looking at.
- Can you also notice that you don’t just see whatever you have chosen to look at, but you can also see the things around it? You can also hear what I am saying, despite the fact you are consciously looking at the object. So, even though your attention is on what you are looking at, you can simultaneously be aware of other things. Have a look at the screen again now.
- You may ask, why is this bit of information important? It is important because knowing this will allow you to get the benefits of meditation, on and off the cushion, more efficiently, effectively, and effortlessly.
- Let me give you an example. When you start meditating, you are frequently asked to direct your attention on your breath. You now know that attention is only one part of the equation in meditation.
- Awareness is just as, if not more, important. So, while your attention is on your breath, be aware of how tense or relaxed your body feels. If it feels relaxed, enjoy it. If it feels tense, relax your body a bit … and smile to yourself for a job well done.
- Try this for yourself now. Can you notice the level of tension or relaxation in your body? Do what you need to do to consciously relax your body down a notch. You don’t have to be totally relaxed; just a little more relaxed than a moment ago.
- Now smile to yourself because you have succeeded in inclining your mind towards relaxation. This simple, three-step process works all the time. You become aware of the tension and do whatever you need to do to take it down a notch. And then you smile to yourself for a job well done.
- It’s not really that difficult, is it? Now enjoy the feeling of greater relaxation. I’ll go through this again. Use awareness to notice the level of tension in your body and bring in your attention to consciously relax the body a little bit.
- Now smile and give yourself a pat on the back. Don’t forget this part, because this seemingly simple step serves as a very powerful positive reinforcement for your brain, and positive reinforcement is the most effective way for your brain to learn new habits.
- So if you want to connect with peace and wisdom all of the time, start by learning to incline your mind towards greater relaxation.
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Distracting yourself away from stress and toward calm
Pat was born with a good head for numbers, but the rest of life generally made him very anxious. They remembered memorizing the digits of pi to 56 decimal places as a child, and every time they were anxious at school, they recited them in his head. The distinction between attention and awareness somehow made sense to him.
When they were anxious at school, they instinctively placed attention on reciting the digits of pi, which shifted his attention from the anxiety they felt to the process of reciting. They clearly remembers how this calmed his nervous system down. So the process of reducing stress at will has something to do with consciously placing your attention onto something – anything – that moves in a direction away from stress and toward calm.
It doesn’t matter if it’s reciting the digits of pi or using your breath, as long as you’re not staring at the headlights of anxiety or jumping in front of it, this is the right direction.
Pat felt empowered with this new information. They now knew that they needed to be more conscious, or aware, of where their attention was. Wherever their attention pointed to was the direction they were facing.
Is this the direction toward peace and calm, or toward more stress and anxiety
Success is when you turn towards the right direction.
Li-Anne Tang is a Buddhist meditation teacher who is committed to helping people free themselves from stress and suffering.
She is married and has two adult children. Her academic background includes a bachelor of psychology, master of cognitive science, a doctor of Philosophy in neuropsychiatry and postgraduate training in psychoanalytic psychotherapy.
Since 2008 she has closely mentored her students in the styles of Sayadaw U Tejaniya, Culadasa’s The Mind Illuminated and in the Mahasi tradition. She emphasises joy as an integral part of this path to liberation.